


Observations

by Corporal_Levi25



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Crew as Family, Earthborn Shepard, Everyone Loves Shepard, M/M, Revelations
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-18
Updated: 2020-11-24
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:26:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26532829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Corporal_Levi25/pseuds/Corporal_Levi25
Summary: A series of observations about Commander Shepard from the viewpoint of his crew and other characters in the trilogy. Something each character notes about Shepard throughout their journeys, be it random thoughts or time-consuming observations.
Relationships: David Anderson & Male Shepard, Garrus & Male Shepard, Jeff "Joker" Moreau & Male Shepard, Kaidan Alenko/Male Shepard, Liara & Male Shepard, Tali & Male Shepard
Comments: 1
Kudos: 28





	1. Anderson 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Mass Effect or any of their characters. Any grammatical mistakes are entirely mine. Please tell me if you enjoyed it! Kudos and comments are welcomed! Thanks for reading and enjoy!

Anderson was a low ranking officer on shore leave in Boston when he met John Shepard, an 8-year-old Tenth Street Red member. The boy was just bruised skin and fragile bone covered in rags and dirt but his eyes were alive and bright with spite even as Anderson held his wrist in an iron grip.

“Not the person you want to pickpocket, kid,” Anderson snarked.

John bit his arm in response and sprinted away. Anderson had cursed and admitted to being surprised at the action. An officer nearby had laughed at him.

“I see you met Johnny. That kid’s been around causing all kinds of trouble lately” the policeman said.

“And you haven’t tried to take him off the streets?” Anderson accused.

“John’s in the Reds, the Reds are violent and vicious and control a lot of major cities. We aren’t going to start a war with them,” the officer shrugged.

“Over one kid?” Anderson clarified.

The officer’s face went carefully neutral.

“Over one of Big Tommy’s kids,” he said.

Anderson wasn’t sure what that meant, but he could guess and it made him sick. The rest of his shore leave was spent trying to get the kid. John was lithe and small and could outmaneuver Anderson so easily that it pissed him off as much as it impressed him. He finally caught John when he wasn’t even trying. It was the last day on shore leave in Boston and Anderson had given up after 4 days of trying. He had been strolling the streets when John came rushing around the corner, 2 men hot on his heels. John sprinted around and skidded to a stop right by Anderson, who was in uniform. The 2 men came to a halt and eyed the Alliance officer uniform before glaring at John and walking away. Anderson laid a heavy hand on John’s shoulder. It was bony and felt like it would break under the slightest of pressure.

“Now you owe me,” Anderson smiled.

John glared up at him distrustfully before nodding to an alley. Anderson raised an eyebrow but followed the boy. John turned once they were further in and crossed his arms.

“How doya’ wan’it?” he asked neutrally.

There was a heavy Boston accent on the voice that Anderson found intriguing. Not many people in Boston had the accent quite as strongly. ‘Do’ and ‘you’ became one word even as ‘you’ sounded more like ‘ya’ and want had lost its ‘t’

“What?” Anderson questioned.

“I’m naut very good wit’ my mouth but-” John started.

“No! No, I don’t want…when was the last time you had a good, hot meal?” Anderson replied.

John stared blankly at him.

“If yaw’re tryin’ ta drug me-” John growled.

“No, just feed you, promise,” Anderson held out a pinky.

John looked at his hand skeptically.

“Pinky promise, you know?” Anderson asked.

John stared blankly.

“You’re supposed to intertwine your pinky finger with mine,” Anderson explained.

“Why?” John demanded.

“It signifies a promise was made and that both parties agree to keep it,” Anderson expanded.

Slowly and carefully, John reached out a bony hand and wrapped his small, fragile pinky around Anderson’s larger, stronger one. Anderson gave him a wide, gleeful smile at the first, small step of trust. John let go and stepped back quickly. He was like a cat, cautious and distrustful, but Anderson knew he would come around. Anderson tried to visit Boston every time he came to Earth for shore leave. Every time he would take John out for a hot meal and they would talk. John would never speak of what he did for the Reds, even if the hickeys were visible or the blood still stained his nose and clothes. Anderson thought it was out of fear, but over time, John’s kind heart would shine through and Anderson realized loyalty and protectiveness for the other young members drove the boy. He did the horrible things so the others didn’t have to. Anderson almost cried when he realized that. John had been opening up to him and his accent was much less severe.

“Sarah still lives at the orphanage. She has a good chance of getting adawpted if she stays just running messages fo’ the Reds. Maybe you could...suggest her to someone ya’ know?” John had said.

Anderson had to force his next words out, force his expression to remain neutral.

“I’ll see what I can do.”

She was adopted by someone Kahlee knew. It was the first time Anderson had ever seen John actually smile. It lit his face up to make him look his 10-years-old and his eyes shine youthfully and happily. Anderson wanted nothing more than to protect that last shard of innocent, childish happiness. He told Kahlee all about John when they were on their mission with Saren.

“Sounds like you gained a son,” she giggled.

Maybe he had. He only wondered if John thought of him as more than a hot meal. That would be answered on his next leave. Anderson was furious with the council and Saren and it had affected his mood as he stormed out of the Alliance base. The black cloud vanished when he saw John, waving at him shyly from the street across the base. Anderson jogged over to the child, a wide smile on his face. 

“I...um...well I was in the area and I thought…you might come back,” John looked everywhere except at Anderson, but that didn’t stop the warmth in Anderson’s chest.

“I’m happy to see you, John. I’ve had a rough few weeks,” Anderson admitted.

John scratched at his cheek and looked off to the left.

“Want to...want to talk about it?” John offered.

Anderson shook his head and laughed.

“No, no, I’d rather hear about what trouble you’ve been getting into,” Anderson ruffled his matted hair.

John pouted at that but quickly started telling Anderson about a very nice woman who kept giving John cookies. John was 12 with a healing cut marring his hairline from a knife coming a bit too close and the best thing in his life so far was Anderson and cookies. Anderson wondered where his parents were but knew not to ask. John was slow to trust and would tell Anderson when he thought he could trust him. He wanted John to trust him, so he spent the entirety of his shore leave with him, even if the kid would disappear at times and return a bit more quiet, a bit more bruised, a bit more used. Shore leave only lasts so long. John was silent when Anderson said he was leaving the next morning. Anderson hoped he would say something, but he only gritted his teeth and disappeared. He was waiting for Anderson the next morning.

“Do you have to leave?” John asked quietly.

“Yeah,” Anderson let down.

John crossed his arms and tilted his head just enough to make his matted hair shadow his striking blue eyes. 

“Fine, go, leave, and don’ya’ dahre come back,” he growled, accent slipping.

“John…” Anderson trailed.

“Go!” he snapped, refusing to look at Anderson.

“I’ll be back,” Anderson held out a pinky, “I promise.”

John lifted his head and small tears fell from bright, blue eyes with the familiar fuck-you spark as he snatched Anderson’s pinky with his own. Anderson didn’t know kids could cry without a telling sound. He wanted to hug John, to comfort him, but he knew the boy was adverse to touch. So he settled for the pinky promise. John felt differently and lunged forwards to wrap his thin arms around Anderson’s stomach, head burrowing into his chest. Anderson smiled and gently returned the embrace. The years went by quickly, he and John growing closer until John was 18 and asked Anderson for his help. John had grown into an attractive young man. The angles of his face sharpened, his hair buzzed, his body more muscled, but Anderson couldn’t get over how much taller John was. Where the boy had just managed to reach his chest he now was only a few inches shorter than Anderson. 

“I want out,” John had confided.

That was another thing that had changed. John’s accent was almost completely gone, taking on a neutral sound. Only certain words gave his origin away now. Anderson kind of missed his accent.

“Good, I want to get you out,” Anderson encouraged.

“No, I mean I want to get into the Alliance,” John clarified.

“Why?” Anderson asked.

John scratched at his face and looked off to the left. It was something he did when he was nervous or uncertain.

“I...well...you’re-the-closest-thing-I-have-to-a-father-and-I-want-to-make-you-proud,” John rushed out in one really long word.

Anderson took a second to process that. John took that as rejection.

“I mean- it’s just you never took advantage of me and I trust you now. You’re a good person and I haven’t met many of those. My mom was an addict and a whore and her addiction killed her. The only memory I have of her is her cooling corpse and that her name was Hannah Shepard. My dad was some client of hers and I’ll never meet him. And the Reds...they were something to me, but now...now I don’t feel like I belong there. I feel like I’m enslaved by them. I even have a tattoo to prove it. I’ve never had a family. I don’t know what that’s supposed to feel like, but I feel like I’ve got something pretty damn close to it, even if it’s just you,” John ranted.

Anderson gave him a watery smile.

“Of course, I’ll help you,” he whispered out.

John looked so alarmed at Anderson’s show of emotion that Anderson laughed. Anderson felt so happy, so warm as he walked John down to the Alliance recruitment office and signed him up. John shipped off to basic training the next day. He gave Anderson a tight hug before he left. Anderson kept tabs on him and was proud to hear of how well John was doing. John sent him excited messages, that innocent child shining through as he experienced things people usually don’t even consider. Anderson grinned at the paragraph dedicated solely to hot water showers. Then the paragraph dedicated to regular meals and how uncomfortably soft the beds were. Kahlee said he really was John’s father. He wasn’t prepared for the pain that would come with seeing the boy he watched grow up sit deathly still in complete shock after Akuze. His breathing was shaky but controlled. His eyes wide and unseeing as Anderson knelt in front of him. John was only 27 and he had already experienced something most soldiers never have to. But John was strong, just as he has always been, and he would recover, just as he always has. Still, the pure look of panic and anguish John had given Anderson when he came to visit him just hours after Akuze would never leave him. John looked broken, looked cracked. It was the same look he had when the Reds had forced him to do something he couldn’t dare himself to speak of and just existed with Anderson in shamed, shocked silence. This time, though, this time John had a new scar, a new physical one. A bit of thresher maw acid had chewed through his armor to burn the lower right side of his back. 

“How’s the tattoo?” John had attempted a light tone but failed miserably.

It was the first time Anderson had ever seen John’s tattoo, but he remembered John telling him about it when he was 16, about how much it had hurt and about how much he hated it. It was massive. In red script across his shoulders, read  _ Tenth Street Reds _ with small, black script under it reading  _ baptized in fire _ . Spanning the canvas of his back was a male demon running a sword through a female angel, held by the demon’s left arm and gazing into the demon’s face. Her chest was bloodied as the sword, colored black, pierced through to peak out below her. The demon’s face was serious but saddened and his right hand gripped the elegant hilt and forced the blade down. The angel looked limp and defeated while the demon looked grim and tired. The thresher maw acid twisted the angel’s flowing hair and knotted it up when it had been straight and trailing under her. 

“Little bit of damage, not too much,” Anderson informed. 

“Kind of wish it erased the whole thing,” John murmured sullenly. 

“That would probably have required you to die,” Anderson commented.

“...I should have. I don’t deserve to live,” John laughed, “I’m a nobody from the streets, a criminal.”

“You’re not nobody to me,” Anderson admitted softly.

John stared at him. His expression was unreadable, but Anderson knew where John was mentally and he needed to know he was valued.

“I’ve never had a son. I don’t know what that’s supposed to feel like, but I feel like I’ve got something pretty damn close to it, even if it’s just you,” Anderson echoed.

John recognized the words and that lively, fuck-you spark reignited in his eyes. Anderson knew he would be okay. 


	2. Anderson 2

Anderson was ecstatic to have John aboard the Normandy and beyond proud that the now 29-year-old N7 soldier was the next candidate for the first human spectre. He only hoped John wouldn’t feel he could only rely on himself. John’s upbringing made him tough, made him capable of expecting the worst and preparing for it, but it also taught him to never trust anyone, to never rely on someone else. 

“Can’t be disappointed by people if that’s what you’re expecting,” John had once said. 

Anderson had tried very hard to get that mindset out of John, but it was ingrained in him. It was the same reason Anderson teamed John and Alenko together for ground missions before Eden Prime happened. Both didn’t trust easily, so if they trusted each other, they would be inseparable and unbeatable. If Anderson noticed Kaidan’s stolen glances and John’s not so subtle staring, it only had some influence on this decision. He was glad he had kindled that relationship since now John wouldn’t have someone he could trust entirely at his back. Anderson had no doubts about John’s leading ability. The man had an uncanny ability to make others trust him almost immediately or after just a few conversations.

“Where did you find this guy, Captain?” Joker asked as they watched Kaidan’s helmet feed.

Williams trusted Shepard right off the bat, and Joker had noticed.

“Boston,” Anderson shrugged.

“You’re telling me you picked up some kid from Boston and made it so people would just tell him everything?” Joker scrutinized.

“Not exactly,” Anderson replied, attention mostly on the combat on screen.

“Oh come on, everyone here trusts the Commander but knows nothing about him. That’s not natural!” Joker continued.

“Then ask him questions, Joker,” Anderson replied dryly.

“I do! He always manages to pull this say-something-but-not-really-anything act that I don’t pick up on until after he’s left,” Joker huffed.

Anderson laughed. He had the same problem when trying to get to know John when he was younger, but he wasn’t nearly the expert he was now.

“Yeah, some things never change. He’s always done that. He’s just a lot better at it now,” Anderson confided, “Give him time, keep trying. He’ll let something go eventually.”

Anderson had been with Udina when Joker sent him a message. 

_ What does one do when their Commander decides to join them in the cockpit and curl up but say nothing? _

Anderson huffed a laugh at that. John’s cat-like attitude towards people he wanted to know had always been endearing to Anderson. 

_ Entertain him. _

Anderson could see the confused and slightly offended expression Joker would don after reading that, but Joker would have to be patient if he wanted John to come around. He and John still sent each other update messages. Sometimes that shard of innocence would shine through and Anderson would be happy for a week, no matter what Udina or the Council said or did. This week it was about how beautiful the snow on Noveria was even if he had to deal with Rachni and Liara’s mother. John made a gripe about Garrus not enjoying the sights or the ‘fun’ John got up to with the Mako. Anderson noted how John carefully avoided talking about Benezia, but let it go. John would confide in someone eventually, Anderson just wondered if it would be him or Kaidan. Joker noted they were getting closer. Anderson wondered if John had intentions there. He hadn’t been romantically involved with anyone that Anderson knew of, just what the Reds and Tommy used him for. If he was honest, he didn’t think John actually understood romance. Anderson smiled to himself. Kaidan would be a good person to teach him. He was proven right after Virmire. John came and saw him for that one.

“I...I had to choose,” he murmured.

The stoic expression he had been holding gone in Anderson’s presence. Anderson reached out and laid a hand on his shoulder.

“I know, son, I know,” Anderson said.

Placating remarks tended to just piss John off, so Anderson tried to use them sparingly.

“I thought I could...go back, but Saren came and I...I took too long,” John’s eyes were guarded in the way that told Anderson he blamed himself and didn’t want Anderson to know.

“Saren knew that was your intention. It’s not your fault that he knew,” Anderson soothed.

“If I was faster, if I was better-” John started.

“You’re already the best. You were top of your N7 class. Saren just knew you were already pressed for time and used that to his advantage,” Anderson interrupted.

“I almost lost Kaidan,” John admitted.

“Not too late to get him,” Anderson encouraged easily.

John was silent for a moment before he nodded. His eyes getting that fuck-you spark, even if it was dimmer. Anderson knew it would reignite fully when he stole the Normandy and could finally face Saren. The vicious, victorious smile John wore when he emerged from the Citadel rubble was one of the best sights Anderson had ever seen and he had to keep himself from wrapping his pseudo-son up in his arms. When Garrus and Kaidan shook their heads, Anderson’s heart froze. To see John smile at him like that as he returned was heart-stopping in an entirely different way. 

“Careful, old man, you look like you might pass out,” Shepard joked as Kaidan tended to a large cut at his side.

“You scared me,” Anderson breathed out.

John’s smile turned gentle and his eyes were warm.

“I’m here. I’m alright,” John soothed.

Anderson knew he was actively a little too informal with John, but he couldn’t help himself. He finally gave in to the desire to hug the man when the Normandy was leaving on assignment. Hackett and Anderson were waiting at the dock to welcome the crew back on board and congratulate Shepard on a job well done. John came with his ground team. It took one look at Anderson for John to huff a laugh and look off to the left. He scratched at his face before opening his arms wide in an invitation. 

“Alright, old man,” John smiled shyly.

Anderson took no time in accepting and hugged John tightly. 

“You’ve come so far. I’m so proud,” Anderson gushed.

John pats his back a few times and Anderson heard the soft amused comments Hacket and the ground team made. He ignored them as he stepped back, hands resting on John’s strong shoulders. John looked off to his left, weight swaying from foot to foot.

“I...Thank you,” John muttered.

Anderson laughed but let him go. He was smiling the whole time as he watched the Normandy leave. He didn’t know it would be the last time he saw John alive for 2 years. 

“He’s gone, Anderson. I-I’m so sorry,” Joker had informed him with tears in his eyes.

Everything stopped and white noise roared in his ears.  _ Gone, he’s gone? _ Kaidan was sobbing silently. Liara looked stunned still. Garrus couldn’t look at Anderson as he and Wrex stood in silence. Tali was slumped on the floor of the conference room. Only Kaidan had sat down heavily. 

“What...why? What happened?!” Anderson demanded.

“Joker wouldn’t fucking leave the cockpit,” Kaidan hissed out.

“He saved me. He...he was  _ right there, _ but an explosion forced him away. His suit was damaged...oxygen leaking out.  _ God, _ he struggled and I...I’m so  _ sorry _ ,” Joker exclaimed anguishedly. 

Anderson left. He couldn’t handle looking at Shepard’s team, at the devastation his death left behind. Anderson felt a part of him die. It wasn’t just one, it was bits and pieces of his entire being dimming at once.  _ Shepard’s gone. _ And he had to be Shepard now. Anderson couldn’t think of him as John, not now. He wouldn’t survive it. Anderson hid away in his Citadel apartment for a week. Breaking into tears at the slightest reminder and raging at the universe until Kahlee soothed the wounds as best she could. 2 years went by in a fuzzy haze. If Anderson was honest with himself, he was dead for those 2 years. Then he got reports of the commander being alive, but he couldn’t believe them. Until Joker’s message.

_ It’s him. It’s actually him!  _

That was all, but it was enough. Anderson sent a message to an address he could never delete but had buried. To his surprise, Shepard showed up the next day, alone. When Anderson saw him, he knew Shepard was far from okay. It was all business, but the John Anderson knew was buried so far under the sense of duty that he was suffocating. Anderson hoped he could get something out of John when they spoke at the balcony railing, but he only asked about Kaidan and Geth and Sovereign. Anderson let him go. His pseudo-son was back from the dead, but it had damaged him in a way Anderson wasn’t sure he could help. So he watched those strong shoulders shudder under some unknown weight before steadying and pinned Anderson with a striking stare. Anderson felt hopeful because that fuck-you spark was there. It was small and fragile but it was there. He’d just have to hope his new crew would be able to help him out.  _ He still has Joker. _ And Kaidan, had Kaidan not been blind to Shepard’s attachment to him. Anderson wasn’t expecting a video message from John a couple of weeks later. He was in Udina’s office but something told him this was important, very important. He tucked himself away and opened the message. John looked tired, very tired. His blue eyes were dull, the spark still small. Black circles bruised his face and his skin looked pale. It hurt Anderson to see John so down. He waved at the camera awkwardly.

“Hey, Anderson. I’m...I’m not expecting to come back from this mission, so...thought I’d make a vid-message,” John rubbed at his face with both hands.

His hands interlocked fingers as he set them on the table, eyes looking off to the left.

“I’m not expressive, I know, but there’s some stuff I think you need to hear. I...I don’t think I would still be alive if it weren’t for you. I think the Reds would have killed me eventually. I mean the Collectors managed it already, and I’m sorry. I have no idea what it must have been like for you. Believe me, though, I was hurt too. I-I remember it you know. All of it, I keep telling everyone I don’t but I do. I don’t trust them like I trust you. You...You’re the only family I have and I know I’m your family too. But I have to do this. I’m in a better place mentally now. I don’t want to die, so if anything, you can bet that I’m going to try to make it out. And when I come back, we are going out for lunch, just like old times. I promise,” John swore.

John had held up an extended pinky and gave him a reassuring smile as he ended the message. Anderson, in an overwhelming moment of sentimentality, raised his own hand with an extended pinky and wrapped it around a ghost of a memory. Shepard coming back with the Normandy and his entire crew was a surprising turn of events. Shepard walked proudly down the dock and beamed at Anderson, who felt utterly relieved at the sight.

“Suicide mission, huh?” Anderson teased, heart in his throat.

John looked off to the left and scratched at his face.  _ Some things never change. _


	3. Anderson 3

Anderson had been pushing to bring Shepard out of house arrest for a few weeks. It took the confirmation of hostile activity for the Alliance brass to agree. Shepard’s brief exchange with Kaidan made him look at Shepard expectantly. He silently cursed the assistant that rushed them. He decided to tease Shepard later. Anderson hoped the situation wasn’t dire so he could take John to lunch like they had when John was growing up. Of course, it all went to hell as the Reapers attacked.

“Shepard!” he called.

He saw Shepard get slammed away from him but he didn’t know where the Commander had ended up. A soft groan got his attention and Anderson rushed over. He helped him up.

“I’m good,” Shepard assured.

“Good, take this,” Anderson shoved a pistol in his hand. 

“Making me do all the work?” Shepard fired back.

“Yep,” Anderson nodded. 

Shepard huffed a laugh. It was the last one Anderson would hear for a while. The sigh of relief John gave when they saw Kaidan and the Normandy was telling. Anderson hoped he would make a move. With John safely aboard the Normandy, Anderson made the hard call.

“I’m staying,” he said.

“No, you’re not! Not without me!” Shepard rejected.

“John, you have to go. The galaxy will believe in the man who’s already done the impossible. Get help for Earth, for me,” Anderson convinced.

“David-!” Shepard started.

“We have to go,” Kaidan warned.

Shepard had never looked lost, but he looked it now. His ocean blue eyes were turbulent with fear and panic before he locked it down with something hard and cold and determined. He raised a pinky at Anderson, that fuck-you spark shining brightly now.

“You can’t die, I won’t survive it. Promise me you’ll make it to the end of this!” Shepard yelled at him.

Anderson held up his own hand and nodded grimly. Their eyes didn’t leave each other until the Normandy’s ramp closed and Anderson made his way down. They had sporadic communication and Anderson knew better than to bring up the close calls he had on Earth. Not with the weight on Shepard’s shoulders growing steadily heavier. Anderson hated watching it. Shepard looked wrecked and weighted. Kaidan was in the hospital and Shepard felt alone. He had Garrus but Garrus had Palaven on his shoulders. Liara was with them as well, but they had grown apart. The next thing Anderson knew, the genophage was cured. 

“It was quite the ride,” Shepard said.

There was a slight shake in his voice that told Anderson that something else was bothering him. He remained quiet.

“We used the Mother of All Thresher Maws to take it down. It was massive, Anderson, and I had to run under it as it was fighting a Reaper,” John said softly.

Anderson understood suddenly.

“PTSD?” he asked.

John nodded solemnly. They stood for a moment in silence.

“You know, I think it’s the only reason I’m entertaining the idea of asking Kaidan out,” Shepard confided.

“Oh thank god. I thought you two were going to dance around each other for eternity,” Anderson commented.

“I said entertain. I don’t know if it’s a good idea,” John fired back, crossing his arms.

Apparently, John didn’t have to. Kaidan asked him to Apollo’s first. Shepard’s message said it went great and they agreed on a relationship. Anderson’s smile was so wide a soldier near him asked what was worth smiling that widely about.

“My son...he finally made a move on a guy he’s been eying for years now,” Anderson laughed.

The soldier looked confused at the mention of a son but smiled anyway. 

“War does that to people,” he agreed.

War makes people brave. It also breaks them down. Kaidan had sent him a message explaining the Leviathan and how Shepard had been freezing and dazed afterward, enough for his accent to slip. There was blood still dripping from John’s nose on the vid-com image and his blue eyes were dull and almost grey. Anderson didn’t like it, but he also didn’t know what he could say to help now. The damage had been done. Shepard looked exhausted after uniting the Geth and the Quarians. Anderson was willing to bet the man wasn’t sleeping. Hackett seemed perfectly fine with pushing John past his limits, but Anderson was a father first.

“John, have you been sleeping? Eating? You look slimmer,” Anderson stressed.

“I’m fine,” John insisted.

“John-” Anderson started.

“I’m fine! Anderson,” John snapped.

Anderson let it go and trusted that Kaidan and Joker would look out for him. Apparently, that resulted in John snapping at Joker after Thessia and the Prothean John found to be more irritable as well. John didn’t mention his argument with Joker when they next chatted. He did mention what he found at the Cronos Station and how he wasn’t sure what was real anymore. 

“You are real, John, I know that fuck-you spark anywhere. No one can replicate that,” Anderson assured.

John looked terrible. He wasn’t sleeping, Anderson was sure of that. 

“No one can replicate my trauma either apparently,” John grumbled.

“What do you mean?” Anderson encouraged.

John scratched at his face and looked off to the left.

“I was out in space for the Geth dreadnought mission. All I could think about was what it felt like to gasp for air, what the heat of starting to fall into atmo felt like. The sensation of internal cold clashing against external heat, hearing my helmet and armor creak under the force before I finally blacked out. When I got back to the Normandy, I could barely hold it all together long enough for me to get to my cabin. Kaidan knew something was wrong though, followed me up,” John explained.

“He’s good for you,” Anderson agreed.

John smiled wistfully and nodded shyly. The next time he saw John it was on Earth and the Citadel. They were trying to find each other, but the Illusive Man found him first. When John came up the ramp, Anderson’s heart broke. It was like John’s body decided to show what John felt. His armor was cracked and scorched, bruises on every patch of visible skin. Blood oozed from the armor and he looked defeated for the first time since Anderson met him. His eyes were sparked with anger once he realized what the Illusive Man had done. He tried to talk him down but it didn’t work. Shepard shot Anderson.

“No!” Shepard yelled brokenly through gritted teeth. 

That hurt more than the bullet in his chest. In a wave of compassion, John spoke right through the Reaper's influence. The Illusive Man shot himself. Anderson marveled that John winced at that, his son really did have too good of a heart. They both slumped down after John opened the Citadel’s arms. 

“John…” Anderson said.

“We did it,” John assured.

“Yes, we did,” Anderson confirmed, “it’s quite a view.”

Earth looked stunning and vibrant, even with ship fire and debris drifting into view or shooting out of sight. Soft, silent explosions signified their impending victory. 

“Ha, best seats in the house,” John forced through a cough.

“God, feels like years since I just sat down,” Anderson murmured.

“You’ve earned the rest, dealing with me and all,” John teased.

Anderson felt the darkness creeping on him and knew he wouldn’t be able to keep his promise. He took too long to respond.

“Hey, stay with me. We’re almost through this, just a little bit longer,” John pleaded.

Anderson wouldn’t be able to.

“You did good, John. I’m so proud of you,” Anderson whispered.

“Stop, just stop,” John’s voice wavered.

“You’ll be okay without me. I know it,” Anderson assured.

“No, no, there’s no me without you. You can’t, I won’t survive this, Dad, please,” John cried, leaning on Anderson heavily.

Anderson leaned back with a breath. He had known John saw him as a father, but to be called ‘dad’ warmed his heart despite death’s cold creeping touch.

“It’s okay. You’ll be okay,” Anderson soothed as tears fell from his own eyes.

“David, no, please,” John pleaded.

He couldn’t say anything more. Energy draining from him as death welcomed him. He was vaguely aware of John openly sobbing now and it broke his heart to leave him like this, but he wouldn’t be far. He watched John collapse after Hacket managed to calm him down and explain there was something more to be done. He watched John force himself to stand, watched as his son cried before he chose to destroy everything. His heart breaking at listening to his child apologize to his friends and struggling to pull the trigger. He stood over John’s broken body buried in rubble and willed help to find him. Alliance workers dug through the rubble down to John. Anderson smiled, watching John get lifted out and Kaidan ignore his own wounds to get to his son. He was in good hands; Anderson’s job was done. He couldn’t let go of that small nagging worry but Anderson knew one thing for sure: John was strong, just as he has always been, and he would recover, just as he always has.


	4. Liara

Liara instantly adored Commander Shepard when he saved her on Therum. He was confident, kind, and so completely complex. Their mind-meld revealed a lot about him, even if she only focused on the Prothean visions. He was turbulently emotional but gave none of it away physically. It astonished her how much control he had and it made her wonder what kind of life he lived to have honed that control. From his service record, the Survivor of Akuze, N7 elite, first human Spectre was impressive, to say the least. She quickly developed a crush on him. She admired him, all of him. His broad shoulders, bright blue eyes, chiseled jaw, muscled limbs, confident posture, his words even were all so alluring. It made him hard to talk to. She took in his striding form as he walked to the stairs to go to another deck.

“Stare harder, will you?” Ashley grumbled across from her.

Liara had picked up on the woman’s jealousy and heard her comments about Liara’s attitude towards Shepard despite her social awkwardness.

“I’m sorry. I just got lost in thought,” Liara excused.

“Oh, I’m sure you did,” Ashley sneered into her fork.

“Alright, ladies,” Garrus intervened, motioning between them with his drink.

“Seriously, you two. He’s obviously with Garrus,” Tali snarked.

“Oh, of course. We already have a date set for the wedding,” Garrus entertained.

“Who’s having a wedding?” Kaidan entered as he sat down with the rest of them, tray stacked high with rehydrated food.

“Garrus and Shepard,” Tali informed in a chirp.

“Already? Don’t you guys think that’s a little too soon?” Kaidan played along.

Liara wasn’t sure how to respond to any of the teasings. It was something they were all aware of and adapting to. Sometimes she was just quiet, which was fine with them. She wondered what Shepard would make of this.

“Come now, we all know Shepard doesn’t do things by halves,” Garrus supplied.

“That he does not,” Ashley agreed.

“He’s almost dramatic,” Liara giggled.

“Almost? I think he’s passed almost,” Tali commented.

“He might be dramatic, but he’s a damn good fighter,” Wrex grinned.

Liara just happened to look towards the hallway leading to the stairs. Shepard was leaning against the wall, back facing them. She could just barely see his shoulder and arm. He was listening in casually. She was hesitant to call out. Why would he be listening in the first place? Why not join them? Did he want to hear what they talked about when he wasn’t around? What would she even say? 

“He’s certainly different,” Garrus murmured.

“Liara, something on my face?” Ashley asked.

Liara’s attention snapped to her, faintly registering Shepard’s shoulder tensing then disappearing.

“No, no, just thinking,” Liara waved off.

Shepard was a curious human. He trusted them explicitly when on the field but on the Normandy...it was almost like he purposely kept himself just out of reach. Liara had maybe not so discreetly asked around about the Commander. No one aboard the Normandy knew much about the Commander outside of his service record, but all of them said he knew a lot about them. He talked to them, asked about them, but when they returned the questions, he would somehow say a lot and nothing at all. Joker called it a true talent, Liara called it intriguing, and Garrus called it annoying. Liara hadn’t really thought it annoying until after she had seen him on Illium. 

“Shepard, how are you, really?” Liara asked after they had gone around in conversational circles.

“I’m healthy, Liara,” Shepard replied.

While true, it did not answer Liara’s question.

“I mean emotionally, mentally?” Liara pushed.

“Nothing I haven’t been before, Liara. I mean, it’s not like my brain just got scrambled by the Prothean beacon,” Shepard eased.

Liara suddenly knew what Garrus meant by annoying. That could mean he was better or worse from then. Most would assume better, but Liara wasn’t sure. She had seen Shepard downplay injuries before, no reason he wouldn’t do it with this. She almost wanted to shake him by the shoulders and yell at him that she was worried. Whatever kept him from answering, whether it be distrust or something else, wasn’t why she was prying. 

“If you say so,” she relented.

Then she became so focused on the Shadow Broker that she kind of forgot about her worries about Shepard. The fight had been...tense to say the least. She felt she had left Shepard to do her dirty work for her, but also know she couldn’t do this without him. The anger in his eyes when Garrus was knocked unconscious by the table was frightening. It was blazing and cold at the same time and it promised pain. Liara could have sworn she saw him baring his teeth savagely when wrestling with the Shadow Broker for the last time. She couldn’t be sure though as the expression was gone the next second. With the Shadow Broker gone, Liara had taken the mantle. Shepard had immediately gone for Garrus, helping him up and checking him over. Absently, Liara had wondered if she had ever seen Shepard so angry. He had gotten annoyed before, frustrated definitely, but angry? She didn’t think so, at least not anymore. Then he had turned on  _ her _ .

“Liara! What the hell was that?!” Shepard yelled from across the room.

Garrus, still dazed, simply sat down with Feron. Liara spun around, eyes wide with confusion and alarm.

“What do you mean?” Liara asked.

Shepard yanked his N7 helmet off and glared at her.

“Garrus was down and you didn’t even care! If he had gotten killed or seriously injured, would you have even noticed?! You stood near him while the fucking Shadow Broker was firing at you! He could’ve gotten shot! What were you thinking?!” Shepard growled as he stomped towards her.

“I-I don’t-” Liara started.

“Know?” he scoffed, “That’s because you weren’t! You weren’t thinking about Garrus. You weren’t thinking about me when I fell when pursuing that Spectre. You weren’t thinking about what fighting a Yahg would do to me. You weren’t thinking when you handed my fucking body over to Cerberus!”

Liara did not know what to say or do. She stared at him. His own expression was tight in anger, his eyes blazing. She said the first thing that came to mind.

“I couldn’t...not without you,” Liara whispered.

“Did you ever think about what I would’ve wanted? Did you ever think about what this could do to me?” Shepard’s anger simmered down to betrayal.

“I couldn’t let the Collectors have you,” Liara’s voice was soft and broken.

“So I’m just- what? A weapon? A tool, for the highest bidder to win? What if they made me hurt you? What if they made me turn on everything I’ve fought so hard for? What if they made me nothing more than a killing machine? Did you ever think about that?” Shepard pushed.

His anger made sense now. It wasn’t that he was angry, or just angry, he was hurt. He felt betrayed by her. 

“No! I-” Liara started.

Shepard cut her off with a fed-up sigh, gesturing her to just stop.

“You know what? I don’t care,” Shepard decided.

That cut deeper than Liara thought it could. Garrus had straightened up, glancing between Shepard and Liara. Shepard turned his back on her and started down the hall, Garrus falling in line behind him. Liara was stunned, too stunned to notice the tears trailing down her face. It was a couple of days before she heard anything about Shepard. Her comm beeped with an incoming call. Garrus and Tali flickered into view.

“We survived,” Garrus droned.

“Everyone?” Liara asked.

“Yep, Shepard refused to let any of us die. Garrus got shot once and it was over. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so angry. He really can be a one-man army,” Tali commented.

“You were shot?” Liara asked.

“Yeah, nothing serious. Didn’t even breach my armor, but Shepard took it personally it seems,” Garrus shrugged.

“Took what personally?” Shepard’s voice drifted across her speakers.

“Me getting shot,” Garrus said, a little unsure.

“You got hurt,” Shepard said like that explained it.

“Right, you didn’t,” Tali replied.

Garrus and Tali both got quiet and apprehensive at whatever Shepard was doing.

“You got hurt,” Shepard said sternly before his footsteps drifted away.

“Last time I saw him that angry it was at the Admirals at my hearing,” Tali commented.

Suddenly, it clicked. Shepard’s anger was a response to his protective tendencies. He was always trying to protect people, but those close to him were different. They were behind his armor but not yet under the skin. After all this time, it had taken this long for Shepard to really demonstrate his protectiveness. Or it had taken this long for them to get behind the armor, which would explain why Liara had never seen him angry. That’s why he got angry at Liara. She had become a threat to Garrus and Shepard.

“What?” Tali asked.

“Nothing,” Liara shrugged.

She would have to work to remedy that. Her opportunity to do so came sooner than she expected. Kaidan with Shepard on Mars was unexpected but not unwelcome. There was still some tension between the three of them, something that hinted at conflict. Kaidan looked between Shepard and Liara while Liara looked between Shepard and Kaidan. They still worked together flawlessly, but conversation was strained. 

“So, what happened?” Kaidan had asked in the middle of a firefight.

They were both taking cover behind a counter near the tram system. Shepard had taken a position at the far side of the room, a little ways behind them. His N7 Valkyrie making quick work of the troopers he had in his sights.

“He’s angry that I threatened him and Garrus. I wasn’t thinking about either of them or the crew when I recovered Shepard’s body,” Liara explained, tossing a singularity, “you?”

“Called him a traitor, questioned his loyalties, then accused him of still working with Cerberus,” Kaidan replied, firing on the troopers caught in Liara’s singularity.

“You can gossip later. Let’s move,” Shepard said as he walked past them.

They both exchanged a panicked look.

“Maybe he didn’t hear,” Kaidan shrugged.

Shepard was fiddling with the tram controls, not looking at them.

“I heard,” he said, giving them a brief, pointed look.

They both winced.

“Well, glad to know I have someone with me in the dog house,” Kaidan smirked.

Shepard sighed.

“Neither of you are in the dog house,” he relented.

“What? For real?” Kaidan asked, surprised.

Shepard, walked towards the tram, cast a look over his shoulder at them.

“Not right now, at least,” he smirked.

“Harsh, Shepard, harsh,” Kaidan couldn’t contain his grin.

Their easy banter didn’t last long. 

“Let him go! Now!” Shepard roared.

Liara felt a little unsettled at his anger. Eva slammed Kaidan against the shuttle, Shepard’s aim wavering, trying to find a shot. She dropped Kaidan and advanced on them. Shepard’s shoulders were tense as he steadied his pistol. One shot and Eva was down and Shepard was running towards Kaidan. Heaving the unconscious Major over his shoulders, Vega whistled as he picked up Eva. Whatever he said was drowned out by the Normandy coming close, opening up for them as Reapers came to Mars. Shepard was frantic as he looked over Kaidan in the medbay. Liara needed to help him focus, snap him out of this panic. She leaned down to catch Shepard’s eye. 

“Kaidan needs medical attention,” Liara pushed.

Shepard’s blues were filled with worry and his face was tight with what could have been guilt or worry. His gaze flicked between Kaidan and Liara briefly.

“We have to leave the Sol System,” Liara urged, voice hard.

“I know,” he murmured.

“The Citadel is our best chance. We can find help there,” Liara softened her voice, Shepard now focused enough.

“Get us to the Citadel, Joker,” Shepard commanded.

Liara watched in awe as Shepard flipped through three tones in one breath.

“Hold on, Kaidan,” he encouraged gently.

He looked up at Liara, eyes hard and blazing.

“See what you and EDI can find out from that  _ thing _ ,” he growled.

He rushed out to answer Hackett. Liara pushed got to work, finding out just enough to go inform Hackett. She was sure that while Shepard was listening, his thoughts were elsewhere. She saw his jaw tighten when Hackett seemed to dismiss Kaidan’s injury. He didn’t voice his displeasure until after Hackett was gone.

“The Council can wait. They never listened to me before, no reason for them to now,” he growled.

Liara pushed on, telling him what she knew.

“And Kaidan?” he asked.

“I’ve done all I can for him, but we need to get him to a medical facility soon,” Liara said, certain that is all Shepard would hear even as she continued to explain the Crucible.

As they spoke, Liara’s heart dropped further. Shepard was having doubts. He was silent and stoic, reluctant to answer her. He looked away from her often.

“Isn’t it worth trying at least?” Liara pleaded.

Shepard looked at her for a long moment, aware of what she wanted to hear.

“I’m going to go check on Kaidan,” he started walking away.

It was answer enough even as Liara tried to convince both of them it was worth it. Liara knew Shepard would always put himself on the line first, would always protect his crew. She didn’t think he would suggest he take on the Reaper on Tuchanka by himself. Nor did she think he would actually do it on Rannoch, much to Kaidan’s displeasure. She wasn’t all that surprised when he contacted Leviathan by himself, much less so when he destroyed the Reapers alone. Liara had only sighed, tired of Shepard’s self-sacrificing act that extended from his protectiveness. Liara was surprised when Shepard tore into Citadel media when they started slandering Salarians for their small efforts. He was still recovering, bruising spanning his body and orange peeking through the skin. His voice was a bit rougher now, which would have done  _ things _ to younger Liara, but he hadn’t changed. His next appearance on Battle Space with Allers was unexpected but no one was really surprised Shepard refused to stay down long.

“Some would say the war is the Normandy crew’s fault-” Allers started.

“Mine,” Shepard interrupted.

“Sorry?” Allers said.

Liara watched the large screen from her seat at Apollo’s. The old crew, including Joker, had gathered to relieve some stress. Shepard was still confined to the hospital, but they each visited often. Kaidan had just been talking about getting rings when the owner put the interview on.

“The Normandy crew has done nothing but help. You can blame the war on me. I don’t care, but don’t you dare try to pin my actions on my crew,” Shepard said in an uncharacteristic show of anger.

Liara smiled gently again, huffing a laugh. If she had any doubts about Shepard’s protectiveness, they were gone.

“And for those saying Kaidan is  _ second-rate _ ” his voice continued.

Kaidan put his face in his hand.

“Oh, no,” he grumbled.

That got a laugh out of the old crew.


	5. Joker

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, Fallout: New Vegas may have something to do with Shepard's backstory.

Joker didn’t know much about Commander Shepard, just basic knowledge. Survivor of Akuze, Anderson’s protégé, kind but quiet and very intimidating when he needs to be. The aftermath of Eden Prime revealed a lot about the man. Joker had been on the comm during their briefing where Shepard insisted he was fine and felt okay. Even with Liara’s intrusive curiosity after picking her up, Shepard didn’t complain about anything. Joker swore the man was half-robot with how unaffected he seemed. That changed later on when Joker heard footsteps in the CIC in the middle of the night cycle, usually, night crew didn’t wander. Kaidan did occasionally because he couldn’t sleep but these footsteps were different. Trained to be quiet where Kaidan’s were not. Shepard seated himself in the empty copilot's chair and watched the stars, steaming cup of coffee warming his hands. He wore a tight-fitting black tank top that accented his muscles and left his arms out on display. Joker could see red and black script spanning his shoulders, but couldn’t quite make out what it said. The grey sweat pants looked worn in but comfy. Joker was surprised he would walk around in his pajamas with no shoes but Shepard looked exhausted and pale. Dark circles sunk his eyes and dulled the sharp blue of his irises making him look dazed. The paleness of his skin was slowly fading back to a healthy tone but still made Shepard look weighted. 

“Commander,” Joker greeted. 

“You can call me Shepard,” Shepard replied, sipping at his coffee. 

“Right, well what brings you up here?” Joker wasn’t known for subtlety. 

“Tell me about yourself,” Shepard says instead. 

Joker chanced a glance at him. Shepard’s fingers were tight around his black coffee cup and eyes focused on the stars outside the Normandy.  _ He wants a distraction. _

“Well, my dad and my sister live on Tiptree,” Joker started. 

Shepard was quiet as Joker told him about his family and some of the trouble his sister got up to. Occasionally he would make a comment but was otherwise content to just listen. Joker knew then that Shepard was more affected than he let on and maybe he should’ve expected that. Shepard wasn’t the kind of man to complain, he would suffer in silence. This held true all the way to Virmire. Virmire changed things for Shepard. He still came to the cockpit where Joker would already have coffee and a protein bar waiting but he would curl up and stare into the darkness of space, quiet as Joker spoke. Joker didn’t know what prompted him, didn’t know what caught his attention but they broke routine a few nights after Virmire. 

“Are you okay?” Joker asked hesitantly.

Shepard remained quiet and Joker almost thought he didn’t hear him. 

“I have to be,” Shepard replied softly. 

Joker looked over at him. His countenance was stoic and tense in a way that hinted that maybe he was barely holding the expression, the mask, in place to just manage to hide the weight. 

“Well that’s bullshit,” Joker murmured. 

Shepard huffed a short laugh. 

“Yeah,” he agreed and the night went on as usual. 

After the Citadel attack, Shepard didn’t join him in the cockpit. Instead, he and Kaidan were murmuring quietly to each other in the mess hall. If Joker recognized a yearning in Kaidan’s gaze that Shepard seemed unaware of in the face of his own yearning gaze, no one had to know about that either. Then Alchera happened and Joker wished he had gotten to know Shepard better. He tried to mimic the stoic, tense expression the Commander could hold for hours as Kaidan screamed and raged at him.  _ I loved him goddamn it!  _ Kaidan had screamed it so hoarsely it hurt Joker’s throat and he wanted nothing more than to tell Kaidan he was pretty sure Shepard loved him too. But he didn’t, he stayed quiet and cried even as Kaidan was taken away by Garrus and Liara. Chakwas tried to console Joker, who at the time was just going into shock with the thought of  _ he was spaced _ taking over. 

“Kaidan’s just grieving,” the doctor had said.

“He’s right. I got him killed,” Joker had shut her down and tuned her out as she tried again.

Joker wasn’t sure what made him believe Cerberus could do what they said they could, maybe the guilt or the sorrow or something else. Shepard’s back was to him, shoulders just as broad and back just as straight. He looked just the same, even the buzzed haircut looked the same. Joker wondered if that scar would still be there at his hairline, if any of his scars would still be there. If the tattoo he glimpsed was there as well. He had always wondered what it was, maybe Shepard would tell him now. When Shepard turned at Joker’s voice and greeted him with such warmth, Joker almost cried. Blue eyes were still just as striking, that scar was still there, the wide grin reserved for people he was familiar with, his voice the exact same after 2 years. Orange lines traced the angles of his face now but they would fade according to Chakwas. Joker had enough experience in the art of reading Shepard to notice the change when he boarded the Normandy-SR2, Cerberus insignias on every surface. His shoulders tensed just slightly, eyes suddenly guarded and blank, and expression carefully devoid of any tells. Yet he didn’t comment, didn’t express any disappointment at Chakwas or Joker or any of the former Alliance personnel for leaving the Alliance to join a terrorist group at the promise of bringing him back. 

“Where is the old team?” He had asked.

It hurt, Joker knew. Shepard had that stoic, tense expression displayed that told Joker as much. It hurt knowing he had missed 2 years and they had all moved on. So much had changed and yet nothing at all. Joker still piloted the Normandy and Shepard still came down to the cockpit, but dying had left a mark on Shepard. 

“How do you know I’m actually me?” Shepard asked after a long moment of silence.

Joker had a feeling the first night aboard the Normandy would throw a wrench in their routine.

“No one can replicate that stupid aura of fake openness like you can. The one that says talk to me about anything so I can say something but also nothing,” Joker grumbled.

Shepard almost looked offended at that.

“...Only you could forgive your crew for joining a terrorist organization,” Joker murmured seriously.

Because Shepard had forgiven them, even Chakwas agreed. They weren’t even sure if Shepard had been angry or disappointed in the first place. He had accepted they had done it out of loyalty rather than guilt or anger with the alliance. Shepard’s crew meant a lot to him. Joker knew now. He knew Shepard didn’t have a family to speak of, grew up in a gang on the streets, the closest thing he had was his crew. He would do anything for them, give everything for them. Joker would know. Shepard, despite growing up on the streets, was inherently kind. It made him an excellent diplomat and soldier. Joker had a suspicion that was what drew Anderson’s attention to Shepard in the first place.

“Look out for him, Joker, he’s struggling,” Anderson had warned him.

Joker didn’t know how Anderson knew, didn’t know what Shepard was struggling with or how to help. Anderson and the Commander had always been close, that was why Joker sent him a message when Shepard was on his feet. There was a history there only the two of them knew and Anderson knew Shepard wasn’t okay after only a short, all-business conversation. Then Shepard had gone to Alchera alone, leaving Garrus and Tali behind. They were supposed to go with him but he had left.

“What do you mean he left?” Joker had asked.

“He just got onto the shuttle and went, said nothing,” Garrus sighed.

“You think he’ll be okay?” Joker wondered.

Silence met the question but it was enough of an answer.

“We just need to be there for him. Let him know he’s not alone,” Tali said instead.

They didn’t get the chance. Shepard returned with twenty dog tags, a ruined N7 helmet, and a hoarse voice. The only greeting they got was a very weak smile as he made a beeline to the elevator and up to his cabin, still in full armor. Joker called for drastic action. He commed Garrus and Tali to the cockpit and swore EDI to secrecy.

“Hack into his helmet feed,” Joker commanded.

“What?” Tali asked over Garrus’s protest.

“Not a good idea,” Garrus warned.

“EDI will if you don’t,” Joker crossed his arms.

“No, I’ll do it,” Tali relented.

After a few seconds, they were looking through Shepards eyes and at his face through the internal camera of his helmet. His gaze scanned the crash site and he took a deep, shaking breath. Tears welled in his eyes as he found each piece of the Normandy, smiling at the frozen Mako where it did what it did best. The tears finally fell at the sight of the first dog tag. He was quiet and Joker didn’t know someone could cry so quietly. They watched the snow come closer as Shepard bent and picked the tag up.  _ Pressly, Charles. _ He stared at it for a long time before moving on. His breathing hitched every time he found another one, the tears not stopping. He made a sound at the sight of his own, ruined helmet. It was a broken, choked off sob from deep in his chest and his expression turned anguished. He had been sporting that stupid tense expression the entire time until then. He fell to his knees and put his helmet against the cracked, broken N7 one, dog tags clenched tightly in his right hand, and screamed, loud and painful.

“Stop it,” Joker choked out.

Tali stopped it quickly. The silence was heavy in the cockpit and Joker didn’t have a sarcastic comment to make. None of them had ever seen Shepard give any kind of indication of his emotions. This raw expression of anguish was new to them and made a stone sink into Joker’s heart because he knew Shepard would never show it to anyone but Anderson willingly.

Well, that was kind of a lie. He and Garrus had been drinking in the mess after Horizon, deep in the night cycle. Tali hadn’t joined on yet, but Joker had EDI to help him spy on them. 

“So...Kaidan,” Garrus started.

He received a sharp glare for it. Garrus ignored it.

“Listen, Shepard,” he tried again.

“Don’t, Garrus, just don’t,” Shepard verbally shut him down this time.

Garrus waited until Shepard had had a few more shots of whiskey before trying again. Joker thought that was smart.

“Kaidan’s just hurt, Shep-” Garrus excused.

“Hurt?  _ He’s _ hurt!” Shepard interrupted.

“You were gone, Shepard! Then you turn up in enemy colors without even sending any of us so much as a message. I thought I was hallucinating when I first saw you and the surprise in your voice told me you weren’t there for me, not really. We were  _ your _ crew and  _ you _ didn’t come for any of us. Tali and Liara ran into you by chance. Kaidan just happened to be on Horizon and you went to Tuchanka for a whole different reason than to find Wrex! I know you didn’t plan to come find any of us or let us in on what was going on, so you can forgive Kaidan for being a little angry,” Garrus’ subharmonics sang with his own bitterness.

“I didn’t plan on dragging any of you into this. I never meant for any of you to see me like this, not for much longer anyway,” Shepard had murmured back.

That brought Joker’s heart to his throat. 

“What do you mean?” Garrus asked urgently.

“It’s a suicide mission,” Shepard replied emptily.

“You meant something else. What did you mean?” Garrus pressed.

Shepard shut down. His expression, once open and sad, now closed and unreadable as Garrus pressed. 

“Shepard,” Garrus urged.

“Nothing, I meant nothing,” Shepard sighed tiredly.

Garrus stared at Shepard, trying to figure out some way to get him to open back up. It was useless, Joker knew Shepard was closed off for good. Would be until the next trauma or blow to his moral, that’s just how Shepard was. He suffered in silence. That even held true when the Reapers attacked and the war started. Joker wouldn’t let that happen though, so he made jabs at Kaidan and the Alliance for Shepard. Reminding Kaidan how he had abandoned Shepard and Hackett how much weight he was putting on Shepard’s shoulders because Shepard would never do it himself. EDI once asked Joker why he defended the Commander in his own assholish way. 

“Because someone has to and no one else is willing to do it,” Joker snapped.

Shepard reprimanded Joker for antagonizing Kaidan but said nothing about Hackett. Joker took it as a win. Until Thessia, where Shepard’s self-loathing and guilt were almost visible and Joker couldn’t do anything about it but wait. He wasn’t surprised when Shepard snapped at him, nor when he curled up against the wall quietly a few hours later, letting EDI keep the copilot's chair. Joker would do what Shepard counted on him to do because now he understood.

“You don’t have to be strong all the time,” Joker said into the silence, hoping it would reach Shepard.

“Don’t I?” Shepard questioned, sounding lost and worn out.

“Not alone, at least,” Joker amended.

Shepard was silent for a long time, watching Joker pilot easily. 

“There’s a saying that has always...meant something to me. ‘Baptized in fire’, I always felt it was accurate for my life,” Shepard shared in a timid tone.

“Is that what’s tattooed on your back?” Joker asked.

Shepard gave a hollow laugh.

“Noticed that, huh?” Shepard sighed.

“Just seen glimpses of ink, nothing concrete,” Joker assured.

“I guess these tank tops don’t hide it all,” Shepard agreed.

“Can we...I mean if you don’t want to show us-” Joker stumbled.

“No, no, you’ve been by me through all of this. I think you and EDI can see my tattoo,” Shepard’s voice was pitched in amusement.

Joker spun his chair around eagerly as the Commander stood and turned. Joker and EDI both watched as the shirt was lifted up and over the Commander’s head to reveal the massive tattoo. A scar marred his lower back and impeded on the tattoo slightly, but not majorly. Joker whistled as he took in the red, black, and white ink. 

“That had to hurt, but it’s quite impressive,” Joker complimented.

“The symbolism is-” EDI started.

She stopped speaking as Joker shook his head at her.

“It is...beautiful, Shepard,” she said instead.

“...Not the word I would use, but thanks,” Shepard murmured, standing still and tense.

The conflicted embrace of the demon and angel was beautifully portrayed but the script caught his attention.

“So it’s your old gang’s motto?” Joker observed.

Shepard sighed as he pulled his tank top back on and slid down the wall.

“Yeah, the first leader, Joshua, he...he had a hard life. Always met the new recruits with the same speech. ‘I was baptized twice. Once in water, once in flame, I survived because the fire within me burned brighter than the fire around me’. It was an unspoken challenge to see if we were the same. And I...I was 8 and alone and impressionable. I did everything the Reds asked of me, every single thing even if I had to… even if I had to work with Tommy, the sick bastard. I remember idolizing Anderson and Joshua and they are so different,” Shepard chuckled, “In the end, I despised the Reds but couldn’t bring myself to do something with the tattoo.”

“Is it common human behavior to cherish something that is painful?” EDI asked.

“Sometimes the painful things mean too much to let them go because at one point, they were loved. Before the pain and terribleness of it was revealed, before someone came along and showed you something better,” Shepard murmured, voice heavy with experience, “it might have been all you had, all you had ever known.”

“That sounds tragic,” EDI commented.

Shepard shrugged.

“It’s just life,” he dismissed.

Joker didn’t know a lot about how Shepard grew up, but that small part he had given him and EDI said enough. Shepard’s life was hardship after hardship, but he somehow was the best person Joker had ever known. Shepard was a true hero, one that was flawed and broken in many ways but that made him all the more real. He knew Shepard felt fear and anxiety and knew he thought he was alone, and despite all of that, Shepard would do what was necessary. Joker speculated it was because Shepard didn’t realize he was valued by anyone. A ball of ice settled in his stomach. Heroes always sacrifice the ending they deserved if they felt there was something more important at stake. He didn’t realize how right he would be. Shepard, once again, sacrificed everything. He had ended the war, destroyed the Reapers and the Mass Relays, but he had somehow survived. News of his survival spread like wildfire, but Joker and the crew had actually seen him; buried under the Citadel, various parts of him crushed, and his cybernetics the only thing keeping him alive. It was far from what Shepard deserved, but at least he was alive. 


	6. Kaidan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a reference to sex, but nothing too descriptive or graphic. Hope you enjoy it!

John Shepard didn’t do things by halves. That was obvious from the start. He had a flair for the dramatic sometimes and was extremely confident, never doubted himself. He was steadfast in the face of the Council doubts and reliable when the Normandy was on fire, but no one is infallible. Kaidan searched the survivors, the pods, the wreckage, everything for him. Joker was silent when Kaidan finally got the pod open. The crew had gotten into suits and helmets in the pods as Alchear was a barren, frozen wasteland. Joker was alone in the pod, staring at the wall, eyes wide.

“Joker? Where’s Shepard?” 

Joker’s gaze turned towards him and waivered.

“Joker, where is Shepard?” Kaidan’s voice started to pitch in desperation.

“He-He was  _ right there _ ,” Joker’s voice broke.

“What do you mean? What happened?!” Kaidan yelled, denial wavering his voice.

“I-He shoved me in the pod, but he got thrown to the side before he could get in. He pressed the...the launch. His suit got damaged, he, god, the way he struggled,” Joker’s voice broke, “he lost his oxygen, all of it. His body must have...have burned in atmo or it’s lost in the wreckage.”

Kaidan felt nothing, heard nothing before it all slammed into him.

“I’m sorry, Kaidan,” Joker sobbed.

“Sorry? Sorry?!” anger overtook denial, “If you had just left the fucking cockpit, he would still be here! Goddamnit Joker!”

Joker’s face tensed as he tried to reign in his emotions and look neutral.

“I  _ know _ ,” Joker started, voice breaking despite his best efforts as tears trailed down his face.

“No, you don’t know! I loved him goddamn it!” Kaidan’s voice tore with emotion, “And you took him away! You-”

“Kaidan, stop,” Liara urged, pressing against his chest.

He hadn’t realized he had started to lunge at Joker.

“He killed John!” Kaidan growled into her face.

Chakwas was kneeling by Joker, saying something softly.

“No, he didn’t,” Liara reasoned.

“Whoever attacked us did, but you need to calm down,” Garrus agreed.

“Calm down?!” Kaidan argued.

“Yes! We’re all hurting and you shouting like this...none of us...just look around,” Liara mourned.

The Normandy was smoking ruins around them. Their home was destroyed. Tali was shaking visibly but her sobs were soft and echoed by her helmet. Wrex looked solemn and sorrowful, quietly still. Garrus’ mandibles were quivering and his eyes were hollow. Liara had tears dripping down her face and her breath was shaky. Kaidan felt completely broken. The tears heated his eyes before they fell. His knees felt weak, but he let Liara and Garrus lead him away from Joker. He collapsed heavily against a piece of the Normandy’s wall and wept. 

“I should have told him,” Kaidan whispered to himself. 

The Alliance rescued them hours later when everyone had gone silent to mourn. They got split up, each going their separate ways. Kaidan threw himself into his work and forced himself to forget blue eyes, sculpted muscles, surprisingly shy smiles, and broad shoulders. He forced himself to forget the rare Boston twist that peaked out on certain words, to forget the glimpse of a tattoo. He ignored the voice in his head that encouraged and steadied him, the voice of a ghost. He couldn’t ignore it when it had a source that stood before him on Horizon 2 years later.

“Commander Shepard, Captain of the Normandy, the first human Spectre, Savior of the Citadel, you’re in the presence of a legend...and a ghost,” he commented bitterly.

Shepard looked the exact same, the scar still at his hairline, his eyes just as blue, voice still steady and sure and soothing. He was the most beautiful thing Kaidan had seen in 2 years, but he was Cerberus. The insignia on his equipment damned him. This Shepard couldn’t be the one he loved, his Shepard wouldn’t join Cerberus. Delan stormed off after saying something Kaidan missed. Kaidan stepped towards Shepard, helplessly drawn to him, and stared into his eyes. He couldn’t resist the urge to hug Shepard. He closed the gap between them and buried his face into Shepard’s neck. He felt the man slowly relax into the embrace and nuzzle into him, arms tight around his waist. His new armor was thinner and flexed with his movements, which meant Kaidan could feel the tension in his muscles that made them as hard as steel. Shepard was stressed out and high strung. Kaidan pulled away after a long moment.

“It...It’s been too long, Kaidan. How have you been?” Shepard asked.

“That’s all you have to say?” Kaidan growled, “You show up after 2 years and just act like nothing happened? I would have followed you anywhere, John...thinking you were gone, it was like losing a limb! Why didn’t you try to contact me? Why didn’t you let me know you were alive? How could you do this?”

“I was gone for 2 years. You moved on. Why reopen old wounds?” Shepard said, voice deceptively steady. 

His expression turned carefully neutral and Kaidan knew that stoic, tense expression meant Shepard had locked himself down and closed the world off.

“I did move on. At least I thought I did, but now we’ve got reports about you and Cerberus,” Kaidan grumbled.

“You mean you already knew?” Garrus’ voice was jarring.

Kaidan had been so focused by Shepard that he hadn’t even noticed Garrus and a young woman cloaked in black and silver. Absently, he wondered if Garrus told Shepard what had happened after the news of his death hit the crew. Yelling at Joker was not his proudest moment. Kaidan explained the Alliance's suspicions, hesitant to mention Anderson. Anderson had been a shadow of the man he was before Shepard died. He became a functioning shade that Kaidan couldn’t handle. He wasn’t cruel enough to antagonize Shepard with that.

“Anderson stonewalled me, but there were rumors you weren’t dead. That you were working with the enemy,” Kaidan stated dryly.

Shepard’s eyes sparked with realization and Kaidan didn’t know he could miss that small of a detail as much as he had. He wasn’t sure what was going on with Shepard, but it seemed nothing had changed...at least on the surface. He focused on the elegant movement of Shepard’s lips, admiring his articulation.

“...to investigate me, didn’t they?” Shepard was saying.

“I was here for Cerberus. You were just a rumor...I wanted to believe you were alive, but I never expected anything like this. You’ve turned your back on everything we stood for,” Kaidan accused.

Shepard’s eyes lost that spark, becoming hard and guarded.

“Kaidan, you know me. You know I’d only do this for the right reason. You saw it yourself. The collectors are targeting human colonies and they’re working with the Reapers,” Shepard reasoned.

Kaidan thought he heard the small pitch of desperation in the stern tone.

“I want to believe you, Shepard, but I don’t trust Cerberus. They could be using the threat of the Reapers to control you. What if they’re behind it? What if they are working with the collectors?” Kaidan argued.

Shepard looked like he wanted to say something in turn, but only mouthed a start. Kaidan thought he saw a sliver of impossible doubt flicker across his face but Garrus spoke before Shepard said a thing.

“Damn it, Kaidan, you’re so focused on Cerberus you’re ignoring the real threat,” Garrus huffed.

Kaidan noticed Shepard’s twitch as he looked off to the left before forcing direct eye contact with Kaidan.

“You’re letting how you feel about their history get in the way of facts,” Shepard stated, voice soft like he was saying it to himself as well.

“Maybe, or maybe you feel like you owe Cerberus because they saved you. Maybe you’re the one who’s not thinking straight. You’ve changed, but I still know where my loyalties lie. I’m an Alliance soldier, always will be,” Kaidan declared.

The hurt that shone in Shepard’s eyes for a split second took all of Kaidan’s attention even if his mouth continued to move. He turned to leave, unable to look Shepard in the eye anymore.

“Don’t...I could use someone like you on my crew, Kaidan. It’ll be just like old times,” Shepard rushed.

Kaidan wondered why Shepard couldn’t finish his first attempt. He wondered if Shepard was going to say what he wanted him to say. He could hear Shepard’s soothing timbre saying it: don’t go, come with me, I need you. Kaidan wouldn’t be able to resist that, but Shepard didn’t, so Kaidan could. Maybe that was the point. Garrus sensed something because he tensed and let his gaze drill into Kaidan in a silent plea. Don’t hurt him, it said. Kaidan didn’t think he could ever make himself hurt Shepard, but he was about to do just that.

“No. It won’t. I’ll never work for Cerberus,” Kaidan rejected.

Shepard’s face was tense and stoic and Kaidan knew he had hurt the man. He knew his rejection cut Shepard deep, but he couldn’t let himself feel guilty about it now. He meant it. Shepard stared at him, an uncharacteristic pleading and vulnerability in his eyes that Kaidan wasn’t sure what to do with.

“Goodbye, Shepard...and be careful,” Kaidan murmured before turning away and forcing his feet to move.

Hours later, Kaidan contacted Anderson. The man he spoke to was a bit more lively, more like himself, and Kaidan knew why.

“You spoke with Shepard. What did you think?” Kaidan asked.

“It’s Shepard, alright, but he’s struggling. I don’t know what it’s like to die, but I imagine dying and returning 2 years later takes a toll,” Anderson answered.

Kaidan knew Anderson was holding back. He knew Anderson would never divulge much information about Shepard, and the man knew a lot.

“What makes you so sure?” Kaidan doubted.

“I know John, better than most. Some things...I can just tell. Like parents can read their children,” Anderson responded, “that’s how I’m sure, but I can’t make you believe me. You have to do that yourself.”

Kaidan was surprised at Anderson’s admission of his parental instincts towards Shepard, but it made sense. He wondered how that instinct had grown. 

“He wanted me to go with him. If he had...I would have gone with him if I knew for sure that he…” Kaidan admitted.

Kaidan stilled as Anderson’s gaze turn scrutinizing and analytical.

“He did, probably still does,” he mumbled.

Kaidan’s thoughts burst into a frenzy of guilt and missed opportunities and regret. He couldn’t say anything.

“I think you have something to do, Alenko,” Anderson prompted.

“I think so too,” Kaidan nodded before ending the call.

Kaidan recorded so many messages he wasn’t sure which one he actually sent to Shepard. He hoped it wasn’t the one where he passionately monologued about choosing Shepard without pause or the one where he said Shepard was his everything and he hadn’t been whole without him. He hoped it was the more subtle one where he vocalized his worries. It all blended together with the memories he thought of, the ones he cherished where Shepard and he had started letting something bloom between them. When he got news of Shepard’s return to the Alliance and the complete success of his mission, Kaidan worried about what the Alliance would do to him. House arrest was the answer and Kaidan pondered visiting. He pondered going to him and demanding answers, pondered going to him and just pulling him to his chest and never letting go. He did neither, the Reapers came too soon. He had to make a mad dash to the Normandy as the Alliance base collapsed and shook around him. Joker and some crew were already getting the Normandy ready to fly when he and Vega boarded. He was relieved to hear Anderson’s voice accompanied by Shepard’s steady timbre in the background, shouting. He felt a lot less on edge with Shepard aboard the Normandy, even as the man desperately tried to get Anderson to jump on.

“We have to go,” Kaidan urged, a Reaper looming threateningly.

The yelled, fierce promise Shepard gave had a deeper meaning than anyone witnessing understood, but it made Kaidan feel like he was witnessing something extremely private. The bond between Anderson and Shepard was unique and deep. Kaidan hoped Shepard didn’t lose it by the end of the war. Kaidan listened as Hacket told them to go to Mars, watched as tension tightened Shepard’s shoulders and back. Vega’s protesting was met with a desperate snap and a small amount of true anger. Kaidan challenged Shepard on Mars and felt guilty for it almost immediately. He felt like complete shit at Shepard’s reaction to being compared to the Cerberus troop they found. Kaidan didn’t think he could feel any worse until he woke up in Huerta Memorial. Shepard had visited him and they talked it out, everything out in the open. Kaidan felt like he didn’t deserve it.

“I better not regret this,” Kaidan murmured as he turned around to Udina.

He trusted Shepard; Shepard was usually right and always had a reason. This was no different, but it also was. Kaidan couldn’t pull the trigger on the councilor, believing the threat to be empty. He only recognized the hard intent in Udina’s eyes just before a bullet tore through his chest and his blood pooled around him. Kaidan whipped around to Shepard. His eyes were hard and angry but softened once he was sure the threat was neutralized and that he had just killed Udina. There was a small amount of regret behind the anger and betrayal.

“We need to get the Council to safety,” Bailey urged after he had explained where the Cerberus troops had gone.

Getting the Council to C-Sec headquarters went smoothly, so did the sweep of the Citadel. Shepard had been whisked away by a call with Hackett, Kaidan stayed behind to help secure C-Sec’s network. Once everything had died down, Kaidan went to find Shepard. He scanned the shopping district, the docks, the hospital, the embassies, but always seemed just a step behind the Commander. With a huff, he decided to wait at the Normandy’s airlock. Shepard came along sooner than he thought. The Commander froze at the sight of him. 

“Kaidan,” he greeted. 

“Shepard,” Kaidan returned.

With a breath, Kaidan told Shepard the situation. It ended as he had hoped and Shepard welcomed him back on the Normandy. Kaidan felt something was different though. They had acknowledged their attraction, had shared a few heated kisses, but Shepard was sometimes distant. After Rannoch and Shepard’s suicidal plan, Kaidan cornered him in his cabin.

“Hey,” Shepard greeted with a happy smile.

“Sit,” Kaidan demanded.

Shepard’s eyebrows raised at him but he did as told.

“Rannoch,” Kaidan stated.

Shepard sighed.

“I-I wasn’t sure that I could...I can’t lose any of you, especially you,” Shepard explained lamely.

Kaidan shouldn’t have been surprised that Shepard had a hard time voicing his emotions, given his childhood, but sometimes he was. He waited patiently for Shepard to continue.

“I’m not sure I can get all of you to the end of the war. I already lost Mordin and Legion. I thought I could...I’m supposed to be strong,” Shepard stressed.

Kaidan’s face softened. Shepard was a protector, always has been. Kaidan didn’t think he would doubt his ability to do something that came to him so naturally, but here Shepard was. Kaidan absently remembered a time when he swore the Commander never doubted himself. In a way that was true, Commander Shepard didn’t doubt his decisions. John Shepard did, constantly. This doubt, this fear is what made Shepard distant sometimes. Fear that Kaidan wouldn’t want him, doubt that he couldn’t protect those around him, all crippled him sometimes. Kaidan reached over and placed his hand on Shepard’s nape, pulling their foreheads together.

“You were scared you’d get one of us killed,” Kaidan murmured.

John nodded against him. Kaidan managed to kiss this doubt away, singing John’s praises in between breaths. Then Thessia, Thessia changed things. It made Shepard irritable. He knew John felt guilty, hated himself. It led to some very interesting sex, John asking for punishing then gentle in a second. It was after a particularly rough fuck that Kaidan finally said something. He knew John would let the doubt eat him alive. John was cuddled against him, head on his chest as he absently traced patterns with his fingertip.

“It’s not your fault,” Kaidan murmured.

John tensed. His hand freezing.

“It wasn’t that you weren’t strong enough or fast enough or smart enough. It’s nothing like that. It’s simply that we got outmaneuvered and we’ll learn from it. It’s not on a single person, John. It’s not on you,” Kaidan continued. 

John said nothing.

“It was a battle, not the war. Even then, everyone believing you can win every time is...it’s unfair and borderline cruel. You’re only human, John, you can’t do everything. And that’s okay, doesn’t make anyone think any less of you. It...it doesn’t make me love you any less,” Kaidan finished.

At the end of that, John looked him in the eyes. Kaidan could see his words had reached him, could feel it in the way John kissed him after. John expressed himself more fully physically than with words so Kaidan got the message loud and clear as John rode him, slowly and sensually, never breaking eye contact, never even speaking outside of moaning. Kaidan would never be able to rid John of his doubts, but he could help. Kaidan swore he would stand by Shepard as he recovered. They had only been together for about a year when John defended him on live television. The original crew found that absolutely hilarious and even Vega commented that Shepard was whipped. Shepard had the decency to look a little sheepish when Kaidan entered his hospital room with an expectant look. Allers was still there with the camera drone.

“I know, I know, but I couldn’t just let them slander my boyfriend,” John excused.

Kaidan looked at John fondly, without a word.

“I mean, you’ve stuck with me this long. Figure I’d at least defend you,” John rambled, looking to Allers for help.

“Figure I’d stick with you for the rest of my life,” Kaidan said suddenly.

The nurse outside the room dropped her clipboard before snatching it up and hurrying away. Allers looked between them excitedly. Kaidan suddenly thought about if that camera was on then decided he didn’t really care.

“What?” John awed.

“I mean then you can say you can’t let them slander your husband. Sounds better,” Kaidan stated.

Kaidan said this as dropped to his knee beside the hospital bed. He took out a small box and opened it, looking up at Shepard adoringly. The ring was a slim black tungsten ring with a fine blue band in the center. Kaidan’s matched but with a red band.

“Will you marry me?” Kaidan asked breathlessly.

John stared at him, eyes wide before his expression fell into that of pure happiness.

“Of course,” he agreed.

Kaidan slipped the ring on, showing John his own just before the Commander drew him in for a passionate, love-filled kiss. He still needed to recover, still needed to heal, but Kaidan was willing to wait. He just had to make sure John didn’t doubt that.


End file.
